Meta: You know my methods, Watson
Jan. 8th, 2014 07:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
magnetic_poleSo much Sherlock Holmes to catch up on already in 2014! And both shows seem to be woefully off-course. I've invited them to my cerebral courtroom to interrogate them about their recent narrative misdeeds. A bit of light-hearted meta under the cut.
Sherlock (BBC) is initially so preoccupied with the paparazzi hanging out on the margins of my cerebral courtroom that it misses its appointment with me. (Just me in this courtroom; I have no older sibling to serve as an interlocutor.) My mind-bailiff needs to track it down, shoo away the reporters, and politely to summon it to the proper courtroom.
It appears wearing the infamous Belstaff jacket and a greying moustache.
Me: Sherlock (BBC), do you know why you stand here before me today?
Sherlock (BBC): I had assumed you wanted an exclusive interview. I've brought signed copies of the DVD for you. They're not even available online yet. [Let the record note that Sherlock (BBC) has indeed brought three DVDs with it today, and that I refrain from peeking too carefully at the third episode's cover.]
Me: You are aware this is a court for television crimes, are you not?
Sherlock (BBC): [with a charming smile] Crime is our speciality.
Me: Not recently.
Sherlock (BBC): Ah, but the mystery of the week is just an excuse for character development, isn't it?
Me: Which character do you believe has developed in the past two episodes, and in what ways?
Sherlock (BBC): Well, Mary, certainly. Eight days ago she was nothing more than a photo on Tumblr, and now she's an actual character. Whom everyone loves, by the way. She's clever, she's funny, she's cheeky, she breaks codes, she...well, she doesn't mess with the dynamic duo very much. It's a very compelling aspect of her character.
Me: She likes Sherlock.
Sherlock (BBC): Of course. That's at the top of the casting call. [In confiding tones.] Characters who don't like Sherlock tend to be a bit one-dimensional, we've found.
Me: And she gets pregnant. Unexpectedly. A forty-year-old woman. Possibly for the sake of a punch line, the "sign of three."
Sherlock (BBC): Well, that's what women do, right? They get pregnant. Keeps the plot moving along.
Me: Don't implicate yourself. Back to your two main characters. Are any of these latest exploits developing their characters? Since your actual mysteries have been a bit thin on the ground?
Sherlock (BBC): John's a good bloke. Always is. With a bit of action-loving violence thrown in there, to keep him from getting boring. That's his thing.
Me: True.
Sherlock (BBC): And Sherlock--Sherlock's back. Being rude, being sweet, being quiet, making sentimental speeches. He's asocial but he goes on pub crawls. He apologizes to John, but he mocks John. He kisses Molly, he kisses Moriarty. He's awkward, he's suave; he's self-aware, he's totally confused as to why his audience is sniffling at his mawkish speech. He dances! We've been developing him in all directions. Anything for a joke! I'm not sure what you have to complain about there.
Me: SOLVE A MYSTERY!
Sherlock (BBC): But what about hot Dean Thomas, who was killed with a meat skewer? That was cool.
Me: More of that, less of...everything else. You're on probation: one more episode to show us what you do best.
Sherlock (BBC): [Preens.]
Me: Well, right, the acting's a plus, definitely, but solve some mysteries! And work a bit more at the way you visualize information. Remember, the on-screen textual clues, the way you focused on detail? You used to have something clever there, before you started on motorcycle chases and explosions.
Sherlock (BBC): But I did that, with Schlomo's coat when he was introduced, did you notice? The slow pan, letting you think it's John there for a moment, before you realize...duh DING...that it's not?
Me: Sholto.
Sherlock (BBC): Whatever.
Me: Why do I feel as if you don't care?
Sherlock (BBC): [Looks about.] Am I free to go now?
Me: One more thing: you've been reading too much of your own fanfic.
Sherlock (BBC): Of course not.
Me: Well, go read some more. You're in an awkward stage now--you've learned a bit but not enough to break free of its influence. Dismissed!
[Sherlock (BBC) turns on its heel and sweeps out of the courtroom. The clamor of the press is audible briefly as it exists the building.]
Me: Mind-Bailiff, would you summon Elementary (CBS)?
[Elementary (CBS) arrives almost immediately, because it's been out in the corridor, waiting patiently for its appointment. Inexplicably, because it's January, it's wearing a chic, thigh-high black-and-white dress with no sleeves. Television shows seem not to get cold. It's a bit agitated, bouncing on the balls of its feet.]
Me: Elementary (CBS), do you know what this court is?
Elementary (CBS): It's a court for television crimes--that is, a court dealing with crimes committed by television shows, not to be confused with a court dealing with crime television.
Me: [In an aside to the mind-bailiff.] This one's brighter than the last, in certain ways. And I'm not just distracted by the accent.
Mind-Bailiff: Nods. [He's my mind-bailiff. He always nods at my jokes.]
Me: Do you know why you've been summoned here today?
Elementary (CBS): In all honesty, no. I thought things picked up in the last episode: Moriarty, Sherlock, the whole issue of empathy for ordinary people.
Me: Sherlock's not the problem. Have you ever met a surgeon?
Elementary (CBS): Sorry? No.
Me: Surgeons are, as a rule, just about as different from therapists as humanly possible. Personality-wise. Chalk and cheese, as you say over there. Or over here, while you're gracing us with your presence.
Elementary (CBS): [Nods in a self-deprecating way.]
Me: And, in turn, therapists are very different from detectives. Not that I've known many detectives personally. But quite a few have come through my court of television crimes, and they're quite different from therapists or social workers. More, I don't know, action-y.
Elementary (CBS): I'm not sure I follow.
Me: Someone who was a surgeon and then became, basically, a therapist, and then became a detective? That's likely to be a very complex, interesting person.
Elementary (CBS): Oh, Joan, you mean?
Me: Yes. USE HER! Beyond looking at corpses and this silly True Romantix business. And continually asking people how they feel.
Elementary (CBS): You know, she's contractually obligated to say "That must have been hard for you" or "How do you feel about that?" at least five times per episode. I'm not sure how that came about.
Me: I'd wondered. About that...
Elementary (CBS): Are you offering feedback? In a previous life, I might have dismissed your feedback as jejune, but I'm now learning to let it in, so to speak. Tell me.
Me: I hate to break it to you, Elementary (CBS), but therapy is not good story-telling. In fact, it might just be the opposite of good story-telling.
Elementary (CBS): My entire story is therapy. It's my one big idea: what if our heroes suffered the consequences of their actions and had to change as a result of what they learned?
Me: And it's a wonderful concept! But you can't simply talk about change and emotional growth. It's boring. And a bit painful, to be honest. You've got to show it. Do something that illustrates that change.
Elementary (CBS): [Let the record show that the defendant is agitated.] But we don't have time to show that growth, what with the mystery of the week to be solved! Every week. You know we've done more than three dozen episodes so far, right? Each with its own mystery?
Me: I do know that. I'm not accusing you of lack of effort. You are the work-horse of Sherlock Holmes adaptations.
Elementary (CBS): Because our seasons have twenty-four episodes, not three.
Me: I see the problem.
Elementary (CBS): And unlike certain television shows, we can’t just abandon our format on a whim to spend more time on character development. These advertisers are merciless, you don’t understand. If you can’t mistake us for Law & Order while channel surfing during American football… [Let the record show that the defendant makes a throat-cutting motion.]
Me: But I’m not sure that you want to abandon your format. Why does everyone want to abandon the mysteries all of a sudden? Didn’t we all get interested in this field because we liked mysteries?
Elementary (CBS): Mysteries, and the tragedy of the lonely genius, who is mysteriously bereft despite the fact that all other characters, major and minor, are deeply concerned about him. It's a mystery within a mystery.
Me: True.
Elementary (CBS): What do you suggest, then? Is there a twelve-step program applicable to this problem, as well? I am generally suspicious of self-help, as I am of all mass phenomena, but I am learning to see that in some walks of life, others might have good advice to offer me.
Me: Pay more attention to those others. If they have good advice, they might actually be interesting people.
Elementary (CBS): They do have certain not-uninteresting qualities. After all, I have allowed them in the inner circle. Joan. Gregson, whom I allowed to punch Sherlock that once in a rare moment of masculine vigilante justice. Bell, who is repeatedly said to be less offensively stupid than your average New York City policeman.
Me: But who’s very busy playing the victim these days. You might want to take that off his plate. He’s buckling under the strain.
Elementary (CBS): We do have a reformed car thief. And a chef. And there was a turtle, once.
Me: Fans like the turtle.
Elementary (CBS): Really? Good to know.
Me: Just...let them breathe. Come out to play outside Sherlock’s arc.
Elementary (CBS): Is there anything outside Sherlock’s arc?
Me: [Let the record show that I am making noises of frustration here.] Is he really reforming, learning about the consequences of his actions, or is all this a gimmick?
Elementary (CBS): Right, right. Touche.
Me: You’re on probation, too, Elementary (CBS). Have you heard of something called fanfiction?
Elementary (CBS): Fan--sorry?
Me: Read some, take notes. You’ll notice that there will be no therapists asking people how they feel and moving these stories along. At least, not in the good fics. Plot will help reveal character.
Elementary (CBS): Plot. Yes, plot.
Me: If you leave by the back door, you’ll avoid the circus surrounding Sherlock (BBC) out front. Which might be helpful on a number of levels. Court dismissed!
Sherlock (BBC) is initially so preoccupied with the paparazzi hanging out on the margins of my cerebral courtroom that it misses its appointment with me. (Just me in this courtroom; I have no older sibling to serve as an interlocutor.) My mind-bailiff needs to track it down, shoo away the reporters, and politely to summon it to the proper courtroom.
It appears wearing the infamous Belstaff jacket and a greying moustache.
Me: Sherlock (BBC), do you know why you stand here before me today?
Sherlock (BBC): I had assumed you wanted an exclusive interview. I've brought signed copies of the DVD for you. They're not even available online yet. [Let the record note that Sherlock (BBC) has indeed brought three DVDs with it today, and that I refrain from peeking too carefully at the third episode's cover.]
Me: You are aware this is a court for television crimes, are you not?
Sherlock (BBC): [with a charming smile] Crime is our speciality.
Me: Not recently.
Sherlock (BBC): Ah, but the mystery of the week is just an excuse for character development, isn't it?
Me: Which character do you believe has developed in the past two episodes, and in what ways?
Sherlock (BBC): Well, Mary, certainly. Eight days ago she was nothing more than a photo on Tumblr, and now she's an actual character. Whom everyone loves, by the way. She's clever, she's funny, she's cheeky, she breaks codes, she...well, she doesn't mess with the dynamic duo very much. It's a very compelling aspect of her character.
Me: She likes Sherlock.
Sherlock (BBC): Of course. That's at the top of the casting call. [In confiding tones.] Characters who don't like Sherlock tend to be a bit one-dimensional, we've found.
Me: And she gets pregnant. Unexpectedly. A forty-year-old woman. Possibly for the sake of a punch line, the "sign of three."
Sherlock (BBC): Well, that's what women do, right? They get pregnant. Keeps the plot moving along.
Me: Don't implicate yourself. Back to your two main characters. Are any of these latest exploits developing their characters? Since your actual mysteries have been a bit thin on the ground?
Sherlock (BBC): John's a good bloke. Always is. With a bit of action-loving violence thrown in there, to keep him from getting boring. That's his thing.
Me: True.
Sherlock (BBC): And Sherlock--Sherlock's back. Being rude, being sweet, being quiet, making sentimental speeches. He's asocial but he goes on pub crawls. He apologizes to John, but he mocks John. He kisses Molly, he kisses Moriarty. He's awkward, he's suave; he's self-aware, he's totally confused as to why his audience is sniffling at his mawkish speech. He dances! We've been developing him in all directions. Anything for a joke! I'm not sure what you have to complain about there.
Me: SOLVE A MYSTERY!
Sherlock (BBC): But what about hot Dean Thomas, who was killed with a meat skewer? That was cool.
Me: More of that, less of...everything else. You're on probation: one more episode to show us what you do best.
Sherlock (BBC): [Preens.]
Me: Well, right, the acting's a plus, definitely, but solve some mysteries! And work a bit more at the way you visualize information. Remember, the on-screen textual clues, the way you focused on detail? You used to have something clever there, before you started on motorcycle chases and explosions.
Sherlock (BBC): But I did that, with Schlomo's coat when he was introduced, did you notice? The slow pan, letting you think it's John there for a moment, before you realize...duh DING...that it's not?
Me: Sholto.
Sherlock (BBC): Whatever.
Me: Why do I feel as if you don't care?
Sherlock (BBC): [Looks about.] Am I free to go now?
Me: One more thing: you've been reading too much of your own fanfic.
Sherlock (BBC): Of course not.
Me: Well, go read some more. You're in an awkward stage now--you've learned a bit but not enough to break free of its influence. Dismissed!
[Sherlock (BBC) turns on its heel and sweeps out of the courtroom. The clamor of the press is audible briefly as it exists the building.]
Me: Mind-Bailiff, would you summon Elementary (CBS)?
[Elementary (CBS) arrives almost immediately, because it's been out in the corridor, waiting patiently for its appointment. Inexplicably, because it's January, it's wearing a chic, thigh-high black-and-white dress with no sleeves. Television shows seem not to get cold. It's a bit agitated, bouncing on the balls of its feet.]
Me: Elementary (CBS), do you know what this court is?
Elementary (CBS): It's a court for television crimes--that is, a court dealing with crimes committed by television shows, not to be confused with a court dealing with crime television.
Me: [In an aside to the mind-bailiff.] This one's brighter than the last, in certain ways. And I'm not just distracted by the accent.
Mind-Bailiff: Nods. [He's my mind-bailiff. He always nods at my jokes.]
Me: Do you know why you've been summoned here today?
Elementary (CBS): In all honesty, no. I thought things picked up in the last episode: Moriarty, Sherlock, the whole issue of empathy for ordinary people.
Me: Sherlock's not the problem. Have you ever met a surgeon?
Elementary (CBS): Sorry? No.
Me: Surgeons are, as a rule, just about as different from therapists as humanly possible. Personality-wise. Chalk and cheese, as you say over there. Or over here, while you're gracing us with your presence.
Elementary (CBS): [Nods in a self-deprecating way.]
Me: And, in turn, therapists are very different from detectives. Not that I've known many detectives personally. But quite a few have come through my court of television crimes, and they're quite different from therapists or social workers. More, I don't know, action-y.
Elementary (CBS): I'm not sure I follow.
Me: Someone who was a surgeon and then became, basically, a therapist, and then became a detective? That's likely to be a very complex, interesting person.
Elementary (CBS): Oh, Joan, you mean?
Me: Yes. USE HER! Beyond looking at corpses and this silly True Romantix business. And continually asking people how they feel.
Elementary (CBS): You know, she's contractually obligated to say "That must have been hard for you" or "How do you feel about that?" at least five times per episode. I'm not sure how that came about.
Me: I'd wondered. About that...
Elementary (CBS): Are you offering feedback? In a previous life, I might have dismissed your feedback as jejune, but I'm now learning to let it in, so to speak. Tell me.
Me: I hate to break it to you, Elementary (CBS), but therapy is not good story-telling. In fact, it might just be the opposite of good story-telling.
Elementary (CBS): My entire story is therapy. It's my one big idea: what if our heroes suffered the consequences of their actions and had to change as a result of what they learned?
Me: And it's a wonderful concept! But you can't simply talk about change and emotional growth. It's boring. And a bit painful, to be honest. You've got to show it. Do something that illustrates that change.
Elementary (CBS): [Let the record show that the defendant is agitated.] But we don't have time to show that growth, what with the mystery of the week to be solved! Every week. You know we've done more than three dozen episodes so far, right? Each with its own mystery?
Me: I do know that. I'm not accusing you of lack of effort. You are the work-horse of Sherlock Holmes adaptations.
Elementary (CBS): Because our seasons have twenty-four episodes, not three.
Me: I see the problem.
Elementary (CBS): And unlike certain television shows, we can’t just abandon our format on a whim to spend more time on character development. These advertisers are merciless, you don’t understand. If you can’t mistake us for Law & Order while channel surfing during American football… [Let the record show that the defendant makes a throat-cutting motion.]
Me: But I’m not sure that you want to abandon your format. Why does everyone want to abandon the mysteries all of a sudden? Didn’t we all get interested in this field because we liked mysteries?
Elementary (CBS): Mysteries, and the tragedy of the lonely genius, who is mysteriously bereft despite the fact that all other characters, major and minor, are deeply concerned about him. It's a mystery within a mystery.
Me: True.
Elementary (CBS): What do you suggest, then? Is there a twelve-step program applicable to this problem, as well? I am generally suspicious of self-help, as I am of all mass phenomena, but I am learning to see that in some walks of life, others might have good advice to offer me.
Me: Pay more attention to those others. If they have good advice, they might actually be interesting people.
Elementary (CBS): They do have certain not-uninteresting qualities. After all, I have allowed them in the inner circle. Joan. Gregson, whom I allowed to punch Sherlock that once in a rare moment of masculine vigilante justice. Bell, who is repeatedly said to be less offensively stupid than your average New York City policeman.
Me: But who’s very busy playing the victim these days. You might want to take that off his plate. He’s buckling under the strain.
Elementary (CBS): We do have a reformed car thief. And a chef. And there was a turtle, once.
Me: Fans like the turtle.
Elementary (CBS): Really? Good to know.
Me: Just...let them breathe. Come out to play outside Sherlock’s arc.
Elementary (CBS): Is there anything outside Sherlock’s arc?
Me: [Let the record show that I am making noises of frustration here.] Is he really reforming, learning about the consequences of his actions, or is all this a gimmick?
Elementary (CBS): Right, right. Touche.
Me: You’re on probation, too, Elementary (CBS). Have you heard of something called fanfiction?
Elementary (CBS): Fan--sorry?
Me: Read some, take notes. You’ll notice that there will be no therapists asking people how they feel and moving these stories along. At least, not in the good fics. Plot will help reveal character.
Elementary (CBS): Plot. Yes, plot.
Me: If you leave by the back door, you’ll avoid the circus surrounding Sherlock (BBC) out front. Which might be helpful on a number of levels. Court dismissed!
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 05:16 am (UTC)Hahaha, so true!
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 05:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 03:37 pm (UTC)I guess it's OK to have Watson be 100% perfect, wise and awesome for a change, though.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-10 01:11 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading, and a happy new year to you! M.