Wedding bells for the Friday Five...

[magnetic_pole]

I went to a pop-up wedding* this weekend, so let's take a thematically appropriate set of questions from thefridayfive archive:

1) Do you want to get married? Already did. We did everything backward--became friends first and then started dating, moved in together and then started thinking long-term, celebrated multiple anniversaries and then decided to have a big party.

I'm not sure I ever made a conscious decision about marriage, especially since it wasn't legal for same-sex couples at the beginning of our relationship. There was no big question about love and forever-ness, only a number of logistical hurdles to overcome. We got a domestic partnership certificate from my partner's work early on (specifically in order to get health insurance), another certificate a few years later from the town we lived in (also to support a health insurance application and, less crucially, to get a library card), and a marriage license from our state when it became legal there (largely to safeguard our meager assets for the other in case of disaster, since we have hostile families). (Coincidentally, that was on 09/09/09, nine years ago yesterday.) Finally, we had a party because the better half is the type of person who didn't want to miss the opportunity for a very large, very fun party with everyone she knows.

2) Where would you like to get married? As it turned out, we had the party in our backyard, the one and only time in my life I've lived somewhere with a backyard. (Very convenient.) We put up a white tent, rented some chairs and tables, got a local Chinese Malaysian restaurant to cater a banquet, and made a dozen cakes ourselves, the night beforehand.

3) If you were getting married in a week, who would be in your wedding party? Hm. The same folks who showed up and helped out eight years ago, probably. A few high school friends, a few college friends, and a few more recent friends. We have one very close friend in town right now--who's planning her own second marriage for next month, coincidentally--but by and large the people we each know are scattered across the country (and in some cases have moved abroad).

4) What would your wedding colours be? We used purple, because the purple-loving better half cared and I didn't.

5) Does marriage mean to you 'til death do us part?' Not necessarily. People grow apart. I'm doing everything I can to keep this relationship working, but I recognize that even the best intentions and hardest work can't always keep two people together forever.

* Pop-up: my term, not the couples'. The decision to marry was made on a Sunday, e-mail invites were mailed out on Monday, and the guests were instructed to bring potluck items. It took place on a Saturday morning in the couple's basement apartment (tidied up and decorated with flowers) and was over by noon. So lovely and so simple! It made me happy to see how happy they were.

How are you doing, flist? Want to share wedding fantasies or stories?

<b>1) Do you want to get married?</b>. <b>2) Where would you like to get married?</b> <b>3) If you were getting married in a week, who would be in your wedding party?</b> <b>4) What would your wedding colours be?</b> <b>5) Does marriage mean to you 'til death do us part?'</b>

Comments

[therealsnape]

I well remember your wedding announcement to the flist! How lovely to hear the story of how it all happened, and the pop-up wedding sounds delightful.

[magnetic_pole]

I am so impressed that you remember that, TRS! It was all so long ago now. (I already knew you had a much, much better memory than I do, but this confirms it.) Thanks for taking a read through. M.

[indybaggins]

That sounds like an awesome wedding! We can't/won't get married yet for legal and financial reasons, but if we ever do I think we'd elope to some tropical island and get married there. Neither of us is the type to want a huge party. It's fun to fantasise about though :)

[magnetic_pole]

It was actually really lovely--and I say that as someone who shies away from crowds and really didn't want the event to begin with. I hadn't realized how many friends would be eager to celebrate with us and meet our other friends. I wish as a society we had some socially sanctioned type of party that everyone could thrown for themselves at some point to see that kind of support and care from their friends and family (however large a circle you want to invite). It shouldn't just be this very specific thing for a certain kind of couple.

You have such verve, I. Whatever you did (eloping to a tropical island, small event at the courthouse, massive formal party) would be amazing. :) M.

[indybaggins]

Aw, thank you! I do love the idea of a society where it would be normalised to have a party simply for love. Things haven't always been easy with our families, which is one of the reasons why we would be wary to have a large wedding, there would be 'comments'. But on the other hand it might be very cathartic to be able to stand up and be allowed to celebrate our love and commitment. Something to think about!

[magnetic_pole]

Just speaking for myself, it *was* very cathartic. But I know everyone's got a different experience!

I'm sorry to hear things haven't been easy with your families. Gah! Families, get with the program and support your amazing children! M.

[liseuse]

I remember the wedding notice on the flist!

And the pop-up wedding sounds great! I don't think you'd be able to do it that quickly in England because I think you have to give 28 days notice of your intention to marry.

[magnetic_pole]

Wow, 28 days? One of the things folks were talking about at the pop-up wedding was the three-day waiting period in DC, which seems a little ridiculous. (What's going to change in three days?) But 28 days is a actual cooling-off period. Hm. Why do we have waiting periods, anyway? I have a hard time imagining the history of the politics of them.

And the pop up wedding was genuinely *lovely!* A reminder that the basics of weddings are the same: being surrounded by folks who care about you and support your relationship is a powerful thing. Even though I think this couple will do something more elaborate later on, they were so, so happy and touched. It as lovely to watch them.

How can you remember that?!? It was so long ago! You've got an excellent memory, L. (Treasure it. You've only got a few more years before it starts to fray. :) M.

[liseuse]

I don't know the full history of it, but I think it's basically the chance for people to object to the marriage (I guess it weeds out people who are already married?). It also went up in 2014/15 from 15 days to 28 so that the Home Office had more time to investigate potential sham marriages/civil partnerships (eurggggghhhhh).

I have an excellent memory for some things! Where I left my keys? Nope! Things that happened in friends' lives? Yep!

[magnetic_pole]

You (i.e., one) always think(s) automatically that there must be some nefarious agenda behind various bureaucratic rules, but that one puzzles me. The old version, at least. 28 days to investigate sham marriages makes perfect sense as a sign of the xenophobic modern state, sadly. Nothing worse than a sham marriage! (/sarcasm, just to be 100% clear. I'm all in favor of whatever marriage folks want to make, to whomever they'd like to make it. Marrying for health care or citizenship actually seem to be wise strategies, given the way things work in the US today, so long as everyone's in agreement.)

I've forgotten both events in friends lives and where my keys are, so you're a step ahead of me! I had a dream the other night that we went to visit you again and we had to catch up on everything all over again because I'd forgotten. :( Oddly, Floyd was also a kitten. M.

[liseuse]

Hah, a friend and I were having a mini-argument (one of those where you are basically agreeing with each other except for one small point of contention) about whether or not people should be allowed to marry purely to gain citizenship. I firmly believe people should! I don't care why people want to get married (love, healthcare, right of residency) as long as both parties have agreed to whatever the reason is and agree to treat each other well and fairly. Especially because in the UK, being married to a UK citizen if you aren't, only helps a little bit with the bureaucratic process of getting right to remain/permanent residency. It's not like you get to skip thirteen thousand steps and save a ton of money.

My brain likes to latch onto bits of information - not birthdays, it's terrible at birthdays - and then I have to gauge who I am talking to as to whether they are going to appreciate my brain reminding me that they've already told me the funny, but not really worth keeping hold of for all time, story about falling in a pond as a kid. I nod along to lots of stories I've heard before because they have no reason to expect that I will have remembered an off the cuff comment, and if I do let them know I've remembered they think I'm weirdly more invested in them than I am. I do a good line in feigning that I only remember half a story and going "oh, is that the thing where you went to the wrong underground station? Or am I thinking of someone else?" when I know full well that it was them and they went to the wrong underground station and then they fell over and skinned their knee and this all happened eighteen years ago when neither of us knew each other.

Hah! That's a great dream!

[secretsolitaire]

That pop-up wedding sounds delightful! ♥

As does yours. Other than all the baking the night before, haha. That sounds stressful.

I really like your answer to #5. I have a bit of a pragmatic view toward love myself.

[magnetic_pole]

Gah, that baking! We had to have a neighbor come over and help out--and we only did single-layer box-mix cakes with a quick frosting and decorative silver balls on top. (In any other situation, R would have never served box-mix cakes.) But they were yummy (as box-mix cakes tend to be), and there was enough to go around, so all's well that ends well.

Re: #5: a number of our friends have gone through divorces and separations recently, and honestly in every case it seemed like the best outcome in a bad situation. No one should be trapped or unhappy in a relationship, yikes. M.